a class act

all i want is someone to love me, want me, hold me, need me. its a simple want really. and one most people end up getting, but i don’t want to wait for mine anymore. i want it now. i want someone to love me so much that without me they don’t make sense, and i want to not make sense when he is gone. some one to just lay next to so i know I’m not alone. i always wake up alone. its a horrible thing really. but most importantly i want him to listen to me when i have so much to say and none of it makes sense but i just need it to escape my mind and enter into the air where it can float away and be whatever it wants to be other than a thought that poisons my mind. i want him to tell me everything will be okay even when  the world is falling at our feet. being with someone else just makes getting through the day simpler. all i want is simple. i don’t want anymore complicated or drama. i just want simple. but i can’t seem to find it here or anywhere. oh how i wish a simple life and the love of a man could find me. so many times in a day i think of marilyn and how all she wanted was to be loved, she would do whatever she could for the love of one man. but they always saw something else and wanted something else. sometimes i feel like her..never knowing if any guy truly cares for me..and i understand why she felt sad all the time because not knowing if someone or even people care about you is probably one of the most horrible feelings a person can feel 

tomorrow i start classes. i don’t want to go. i don’t want to do much of anything these days. I’ve slipped back to a place i didn’t want to go back to. and i need to get back up, but its hard, its hard to make that first move, even knowing that that first move will change everything else. 

yet even though i know that fact, i let my self slip..im slipping back and i just sit and watch it happen. its scary because i do not want this to happen, and i want to stop it but my body stops me..my brain stops me. because i don’t chose to be this way..its something in my brain, its depression and when it hits its like a ton of rocks just resting on your body, you don’t want to move, and sometimes you can’t. some days i don’t want to move i just want to stay in bed because at least in bed nothing can happen to me..its safe, but its no life. 

i want a life, a big full life. i want to travel the world, jump off planes, dive into caves, take pictures of places people dream of being at, do yoga where the buddha was enlightened, and do so much more, write books, dance across the sands …i want to live, but sometimes those rocks stop me…but i just can’t let those rocks define my life..i need to get those rocks off me and come back to life…because i don’t want to keep slipping into sadness

Why do guys do what they do..I mean they fuck around, fuck girls and party..they have a good time and then years later when they want to get serious they regret their actions and all have that girl who got away. Well hello scumbags you let them get away. You are the ones who made the mistakes and you knew what you were doing while you were doing it, why can’t they skip that step and just give it a try..why do they have to be that way. It’s not fair for the girls who get away because they don’t want to leave but the guy makes them because he can’t get real..he can’t be honest with himself and try something that is real. And in a couple of years he is going to wish he held on to that girl and tell his friends and girls in clubs when he is really drunk about that one that got away. Well guess what you suck and if you don’t want them to get away don’t make them un away. Fucking bullshit and I’m sick of it..

i havent blogged in a while! and i am ashamed at myself for that. so hello world its me dani. im going to start blogging again because i have lots to say. and sometimes people dont care so i figure if i post it here, at least one person in the internet world will look at it and think hmm this girl isnt that far off, or wow she is pretty coool. at least thats what i think of myself hehe. 

so today i had an interesting thought. i like pot heads….slow down im not a pot head, and i dont like hanging with the true stoners…but the ones who smoke very so often. and i likke hanging with them because sometimes their look on life is just like mine. they dont care..i dont care. i care a little bit, and i dont smoke. but pot heads are a very interesting type of human. they smoke all day and dont give a shit. know thats a good look on life IF you find the right balance, and you know if you take out the drugs. because drugs are bad…just stop. but looking at life and not caring about the little things is good. stop worrying about what you look like or act like, because nobody really cares anyway. also money is not the thing you should worry about most. worry about loving what you do and who you are with. because most people who have money HATE there jobs, so why be like that….i say hang out with the people who arent worried all the time about their future and how much money they are going to make. 

hang out with the people who love what they do when they do it. hang out with the people who are interesting and have stories to tell . those people are not hard to find. some do pot…some do not. but i find the majority do and thats fine thats their choice…but once you look past the joint those people arent really bad people. they are fun and have really interesting things to say. 

so i like hanging with pot heads….well the ones who dont smoke that much, because MAN does that stuff make my head hurt!